People Pleasing
As a counsellor and psychotherapist, I have worked with many clients that have come to me because they fall into the “people pleaser” category and are suffering with stress and anxiety because of it. Have you ever stopped to consider whether you are a people pleaser? Perhaps you do work for co-workers that isn’t your responsibility as a way to seek approval or to fit in. Perhaps you are listening to the word yes coming out of your mouth when you truly want to say no, for fear of letting somebody down, or being seen in a bad light. Do you put other peoples needs before your own? Do you worry about what people think or want? Are you afraid of being rejected or abandoned? Are you stuck in a relationship where you always give more than you get? If you have answered yes to any of these questions you could fall into the category of people pleasing.
So, what is people pleasing? Virginia Satir, a famous family therapist was first to coin the phrase “People Pleaser”- “a people pleaser often feels that they have no value except for what they can do or be for another person.”
The problem lies in that the people pleaser, while looking after others, often loses sight of themselves and what their needs are in the process. Having lost faith in their own natural ability to be loved, they abandon themselves and lose their self-esteem. So why do people pleasers do this? In early life and growing up, we may have received messages that our opinions or feelings don’t matter. We may have learned that it’s not ok to upset others or to disappoint them. We may have learned that when we did something for others, we got praise and approval and through this learned behaviour we have lost sight of our own needs. It’s also important to say that there is nothing wrong in helping and supporting others. It can give us great joy and purpose. The problem arises when we don’t look after ourselves in the process.
Tips to break free of people pleasing.
· Start to notice your own needs and feelings more. Start to notice when you feel the urge to say “yes” when you’re thinking “no”. I would ask you to press pause before answering. One of my lecturers in college once said to the class, “when you’re asked a question which requires something of you, don’t answer with the first thing that comes into your head, wait a few seconds and usually the second response is better”.
· A good response to a request is “I will have to get back to you, or, leave it with me”. These responses give you breathing space to work out if you really want to do what’s being asked of you.
· Another way to break the cycle of people pleasing is to ask someone to help you with something. So many others are constantly asking you for favours, now it’s your turn to ask them. This will help you to start valuing your own wants and needs.
· When you say ‘no’, be careful not to over explain yourself. There can be a tendency to soften the ‘no’ by going into great detail as to why you can’t help them. This can make you seem weak and unsure and may even lead to the person talking you around to doing their request.
· By saying the word no, we are setting boundaries and stating what we are not willing to do. Ultimately, we are teaching people how to treat us.
· By not saying ‘no’, we can leave ourselves feeling unassertive and used. We may even feel angry at ourselves for saying ‘yes’, or even angry at the person who asked us to do something. Spending all this time on other people’s needs and not your own can foster long term resentment. Asserting yourself helps to increase your sense of self-worth and lowers stress and anxiety.
· It may feel unnatural at first to say ‘no’, but with time and practice, setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ will allow you to take back time for yourself and to stop feeling so guilty. It may feel at first when you start setting limits and saying no to others, they may accuse you of rocking the boat, as they haven’t adjusted to the change in you. So be it! Start rocking!
If you’re struggling with people pleasing, I would be delighted to help you to work on getting more balance into your life.
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