Annette Coffey
“I’m an idiot!” “I’m disgusting.” “No one will ever love me. Why do we talk to ourselves so harshly?” As soon as we ask ourselves this question, we often just pile on more self-criticism. “That’s why I’m such a loser, I’ll never be good enough.”
Believe it or not our inner critic wants us to be happy, but doesn’t know a better way to go about it. Let’s say you criticize yourself for not going to the gym, calling yourself “lazy.” At some level, your inner critic is reacting to a concern of not going to the gym and its negative health implications. We can learn to be more kind and more compassionate to ourselves, because at some level our inner critic has our best interests at heart.
What can I do about it? Don’t beat yourself up. Take a step back and give your inner critic some slack. In its ineffective, well intentioned way, your inner critic is actually trying to keep you safe. How? Because we confuse our thoughts of ourselves for our actual selves, which means that when our self-image is under attack, we react as if our existence is threatened.
Fight — (Anger) we beat ourselves up emotionally, using harsh language to knock ourselves down.
Flight — (Anxiety) we become anxious and restless, fleeing from ourselves by numbing out or using distractions like food, alcohol or drugs.
Freeze — (Depression) we get stuck continuously thinking about the same thoughts and our perceived inadequacies.
We often engage in a combination of all these strategies, which can make us feel not good enough and unworthy.
Tips to help us feel better about ourselves.
· Get a notebook and every time you notice yourself saying something critical to yourself, make a note of it over the week. This is a powerful tool to bring awareness to negative self-talk.
· When you notice that you’re judging yourself harshly, take this opportunity to challenge your inner critic. Ask yourself, what would you say to a friend who spoke to themselves that harshly?
· Personal weather report
1. Sit still and observe everything around you and inside you. It helps you find out what you’re thinking, feeling and doing.
2. Notice your breathing as you breathe in and out. Feel your chest and belly rising. Be still, relaxed and calm.
3. Take your time to focus your attention. Start to notice small things. Some movements are okay, just notice it.
4. Think about your feelings at the moment like a weather report. Sunny, stormy, rainy, calm, tornado…?
5. Reflect on and observe your feelings.
Like the weather, you can’t change your feelings. but you can change the way that you respond to them.
You are not your feelings and emotions. Just like the weather, they come and go. As they happen, just accept them. (Kristin Neff)
“Maybe you have a little voice inside that says you aren’t strong enough to handle what life’s left at your feet. That voice lies. Prove it wrong today – then repeat, repeat, repeat”. Maggie Smith
Working with the inner critic is one of the areas I specialise in if you would like any support with this issue.
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